


do not fall in love with me (for i am more scar tissue than skin)

by orphan_account



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Drug Use, Hurt, M/M, it's just angst and hurt and pain, that's it really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2018-01-19 03:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1453426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"what did you want to talk about?" calum finally asked.</p><p>"whatever's going on between us," luke said.</p><p>"i thought we were done."</p><p>"i mean, like, we have weird conversations where we're trying to get what we're feeling out but we don't really know how to do it and then we'll avoid each other for days and it feels like when we were still, like, together, like, we're still trying to fix each other or something even though we're supposed to be moving on and it's really confusing because i'm with ashton but i still think about you a lot and i remember everything and what it was like and how it felt and i have no idea what's going on with us."</p><p>
  <strong>discontinued</strong>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. for i am hungry and cruel and i will hollow you out with heavy secrets and ugly insides

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my first fic and it's inspired by a [couple](http://parlenee.tumblr.com/post/67070102821) [poems](http://thenemeton.tumblr.com/post/81714087481) i saw on tumblr and i have no idea what i'm doing so bear with me??

**one;**

"we can't keep doing this," luke said. "we can't keep pretending that nothing is wrong and we're perfect because it's just not like that. i'm a fucking mess and you go around acting everything is fine but we both know it isn't and we keep trying to fix whatever it is we're trying to fix but all we really do is break it and we can't keep going on like this." he paused a moment to breathe. "we don't work, calum."

calum was silent. luke was right, he knew luke was right, but he just wanted luke to stay. whenever luke was gone calum had time to think and as soon as he started thinking he would think about all the things that were wrong with his stupid, miserable life and he would call luke and luke would come over and they would try to distract themselves because there was as much shit wrong with luke as there was with calum and that worked until it didn't, and then they pretended. they pretended everything was fine even though it wasn't and it was the same every day, calum would call and luke would come and they would pretend and luke would go and they would do it again the next day. and they would pretend that it worked. it didn't, though. they both knew that it didn't. that _they_ didn't.

"please stay," calum said. he wanted to say _i need you to stay_ , but he didn't. he couldn't.

luke shook his head. "i can't. i'm sorry."

and just like that, luke was gone and calum felt the world crumble around him because as much as they didn't work luke was like a drug to calum and he was addicted but now luke was gone and he wasn't coming back this time.

**two;**

calum hadn't seen or spoken to luke for two weeks now. he didn't see luke in any classes or at any parties or anywhere and that was good, right? like, calum was supposed to forget about luke and their not-relationship and worry about himself but he couldn't. luke was everywhere as much as he was nowhere. he was in the sheets and in his clothes and calum could still feel his touch and it felt like luke was a hurricane and calum was the wreckage left behind and it was impossible for calum to think about anything that wasn't luke. he wasn't sure what he hated more, the fact that luke was gone or the fact that he was still there when he wasn't.

"you're in love with him, dude," calum's roommate, michael, said when they were watching some shitty movie one evening.

"no, i'm not." calum sighed. michael was always telling calum that he was in love with luke no matter how many times calum insisted he wasn't. because, well, he wasn't. luke was a distraction. sure he was gone and calum couldn't stop thinking about him and maybe he missed his smell and his touch but still he was just a distraction.

"come on, we both know you are, difference is i'm the only one who's willing to admit it and i don't even like the guy. you refuse to say that you're in love with him because yeah you're afraid of what other people will say but mostly you're afraid of what he'll say because why would he ever love someone like you, why would anyone, even someone who's just as fucked up as you are."

calum kind of hated michael right now but he hated himself more because part of him knew michael was right. not so much the part about being afraid to be in love with luke because he didn't have feelings for luke. but yeah, he was afraid of falling in love. he was scarred and his heart was a fire that burned things down rather than provide warmth because he was greedy and selfish and stole every ounce of comfort offered to him and—

"calum?" the sound of michael's voice pulled him back to reality.

"yeah?" calum said.

"it's okay, you know."

a weak laugh left calum's lips. "it's not. but that's okay. it never is."

michael opened his mouth to speak but stopped himself and neither of them spoke for the rest of the night.

**three;**

luke reappeared the next day. calum wasn't sure what he was expecting to see but what he did see wasn't it. there was a genuine smile on luke's face and he looked healthier than calum had ever seen him look (not necessarily healthy, two weeks couldn't fix years of wreckage, but healthier) and he wasn't alone but also not with his usual crowd but rather holding hands with ashton irwin. calum didn't know what to think. luke was with ashton fucking irwin and he looked _happy_ and calum was kind of crushed by it and that was the worst part of it because he still felt the ghost of luke and in two weeks luke had moved on and found someone who made him happy and someone who actually worked who wasn't calum. calum didn't really know ashton but he knew ashton was pretty much the last person he thought luke would be with because ashton seemed like he had always had it easy and he was in a band and he had a future and luke had never struck calum as the kind of guy who would want that. but the more he thought about it he realized that while he knew luke was damaged and kind of a fuck up he didn't really _know_ luke.

calum didn't realize he was staring until luke came over. that seemed to be happening to him a lot lately, getting lost in his thoughts and forgetting what was going on around him.

"hey," luke said.

calum cleared his throat. "hi."

"how're you?"

"'m good."

"that's good."

"so you're with ashton?"

"yeah."

"that's cool, i guess."

luke nodded. they were quiet for a moment. had their conversations always been like this? if you had asked him yesterday he would have said no, but now calum wasn't sure. he was so used to pretending that things worked between them that he didn't know what it was really like anymore.

"he makes me happy," luke said, breaking the silence.

calum suddenly found himself unable to look the taller boy in the eye. happy. luke was happy. or maybe he wasn't but he was with someone who could make him happy and that was more than calum had and that was more than calum and luke had ever and calum didn't want to admit it but he was jealous. he wasn't actually sure what exactly he was jealous of but it was something.

"that's good." calum wondered if luke could hear his heart beating.

"look, i know that what we had wasn't really something but it wasn't nothing and i don't want you to think that i never felt something when we were together because that isn't true and i also don't want you to think that you did something to make me leave because you didn't. i'm not going to give you that it's-not-you-it's-me crap even if it was that but you know i was right when i said that we didn't work." calum was trying to formulate a response but luke continued before he could. "and i thought about you. even when i was with ashton i thought about you because i guess our not working was a lot more than i thought it was and i thought about you a lot and i know you probably don't want me to be part of your life and you don't have to say anything but i just had to let you know. you weren't nothing to me, calum. just remember that."

were those words supposed to hurt as much as they did? there were a million things calum wanted to say but he couldn't think of a single one to save his life. maybe michael was right. maybe calum did love luke. but it was too late.


	2. for i am a killer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there's like a little moment of fluff in this chapter and i think my inner poet bled into it a little. ~~this fic is based off poems okay.~~ anyway i wanted to establish the relationship between ashton and luke and this ended up being quite a bit longer than i expected.
> 
> and i apologize if the flow seems awkward or if there are any mistakes, i don't have a beta so i'm kinda just going with what i've got.

**two;**

luke woke up to a headache and heartache and sheets that definitely weren't his and a room that definitely wasn't calum's and all he remembered from the previous day was leaving calum and thinking about calum and _calum_. he didn't remember where he was or how he got there but when he turned his head he found that the bed was empty beside him, not just empty but empty and untouched. he rolled out and noticed his shoes and jacket were on the floor but that was it and he was confused. he wasn't confused because he had probably been drunk or high or both and in some stranger's bed because really he expected himself to do that. but as far as he could tell, he hadn't done that and that was the confusing part.

and then he heard shuffling outside the door and figured he had done something, so he grabbed his things off the floor and walked out of the room.

and ashton irwin was pretty much the last person he'd expected to see.

"you're awake," ashton noted.

"uh, yeah." pause. "how did i... what happened last night?"

ashton shrugged and shook his head. "i was walking home and i saw you just wandering around and you were a wreck. i didn't know what happened with you but i wasn't about to leave you like that so i brought you back here and you fell asleep. that's it, really."

"oh."

ashton cleared his throat. "i know it's probably not my business but if you don't mind me asking, what happened? you don't have to tell me, it's just, well, like i said, you were kind of a wreck last night."

"i, um, i..." luke trailed off. even though he could name ashton and recognize his face when he saw it they were essentially strangers. what was he supposed to say? _so there's this guy and we were kind of a thing but not really or maybe we were but i don't know because i'm fucked up and he's just as fucked up as me and at first it was good, you know? like, if i was stressed out i could just show up there and he would listen or he would call when he needed me and i would show up and listen and whenever that would happen we would find a way to distract ourselves but there was this one night where it was just_ more _and after that it was like we couldn't communicate anymore. but i didn't want to leave and he wanted me to stay so i stayed and we pretended that nothing ever happened and things were still the same and we were good but it wasn't like that and it kind of felt like i was the square block and he was the hole for the triangle and we were forcing ourselves to fit because i think neither of us wanted to be alone. and instead of fixing things we were hacking each other apart until i finally built up the courage to walk away and now i'm back where i started and this time it feels like you're him only you've got your shit together and i'm so afraid i'll fall for you and you won't reciprocate or worse, you will and i'll carve out your insides with my love until there's nothing left and i can't go through that again_ is what he wanted to but he didn't let himself.

so instead, he mumbled a "i don't really want to talk about it" and ashton nodded and luke was about to leave but ashton insisted he stay and luke knew it wasn't the same thing as calum but still he hesitated before he agreed.

*

luke knew a lot could happen in a week but he never quite realized how much. but as he sat there, mindlessly staring at ashton and listening to the sound of him tapping and soft humming and scratches of his pencil as the older boy scribbled down notes and potential lyrics to a song, he started thinking about just how much better ashton had made him in seven days. luke wasn't exactly a functional member of society — he probably never would be — but he was undoubtedly better than he was. he couldn't really pinpoint the moment being around ashton became a regular thing, but it was nice. ashton was nice. in all ways, really. he was cute and even luke smiled when he laughed and he was just so damn kind that it became hard for luke to stay away. and that was sort of exactly what he was afraid of because luke had a tendency to fall hard and to fall fast and to destroy everything in sight and it scared him because ashton was everything good and luke was chaotic and he didn't want to hurt ashton so he tried so hard not to have feelings for him and not let ashton have feelings for him. he did, though. it only took a week for luke to fall and he was sitting there partly wondering if ashton did too but mostly wanting to kiss him.

"you're cute when you're thinking," ashton said. "you do this thing where you furrow your brows and chew on your lip and get so lost in your head and it's cute. but it's also very frustrating because here i am trying to work and there you are just sitting there and staring and looking all cute and it's quite distracting, you know."

luke opened his mouth to speak but instead smiled and looked down. and maybe it was an in-the-moment kind of thing but he just thought _fuck it_ and leaned over and kissed ashton. about a million things ran through his mind like _oh my god what the hell am i doing_ and _he's going to hate me now_ and _you know what's going to happen luke it always happens what are you doing stop it_ ; but mostly he was thinking that ashton's lips were soft and kissing him was nice and he hadn't pulled away yet.

the few seconds it probably was felt a lot longer to luke before he pulled away and he couldn't look at ashton properly for a because he was certain he had just ruined everything. 

"i was kinda hoping you would do that."

luke looked back at ashton. "really?"

"yeah. i can't say i wasn't about to do it myself but you beat me to it."

luke swallowed. that was definitely what scared him most. it wasn't making things awkward or ashton never speaking to him again but ashton having feelings for him too. luke could deal with unrequited love. unrequited love was a hell of a lot easier than the inevitable ending to a relationship. it wasn't the relationship itself ending, it was what luke was so used to seeing happen. and maybe that was why he was with calum for so long because calum was already damaged and really luke couldn't have made him worse if he was being honest. luke mentally slapped himself for thinking about calum because a) he wasn't with calum he was supposed to be forgetting calum and b) he was supposed to be worrying about ashton.

"luke?"

"i'm just going to say this now because if you do want to be with me you need to know it," luke said. "i will fall in love with you and i will fall in love with you fast and maybe that's not a bad thing but as good as i am at falling in love i love with reckless abandon and i'll eat away at your everything and fill you with chaos and scars and when i can't do it anymore i'll leave and i won't come back. and you need to know that before you let yourself be with me because i've done it too many times before and i'm so afraid of doing it again that it ends up happening over and over again. it was the story with my first girlfriend and the one after her and then when i realized i didn't like girls it happened with every guy i dated and it happened with the one that i didn't. so yeah."

calum and luke could pretend all they wanted that the one night of calumandluke didn't happen but it did and that was when luke knew calum was just the latest in a long line of lovers gone wrong but calum was different because he was broken and afraid to love and luke wasn't just digging a hole, he was tearing the ground apart and bleeding into cracks that were too small to fit into and holding it all together with duct tape and safety pins. and he could blame the pretending as much as they could pretend, but really it was the same as it always was.

"you don't have to be afraid with me, you know," ashton said.

"yes i do, ashton. i have to be afraid because you're light in my dark and i always put that light out sooner or later. and i don't want to do that to you. you don't deserve that. no one does but i do it anyway and i don't want to do it to you."

"i've been through some heavy shit too. i made it out of that fire, you can make it out of this one. it takes time, but this isn't permanent, luke. it might feel like it but it's not. trust me. i'm not afraid of being burned. you don't have to be either."


	3. learn how to breathe with battery acid in your throat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't rly know what this is and i don't know if i particularly like it but,,,, i needed to update this omg it's been like two weeks and sorry it took so long,,,,, chapter title from [here](http://dallisons.tumblr.com/post/82628726111). also my tumblr is [here](http://lydioh.tumblr.com) if you were interested.

**four;**

it took three days for calum to decide that michael was right. he sort of knew michael was right about luke the entire time but only now was calum accepting that. except it didn't really matter now because luke had left eighteen days ago. calum had had plenty of time to admit michael was right when luke was still around but he was eighteen days too late. not to mention luke was dating ashton now and he was _happy_ and happiness was something calum could never actually give luke and calum needed to get over it because it wasn't like he ever stood a chance in the first place. he thought about that as he stood there leaning against the wall at a party he didn't want to be at holding a drink he didn't want to drink watching michael lose another game of pool. and things were going alright, he supposed, until he spotted a tall blond boy with a lip ring and jeans that were too tight.

"fuck," calum muttered under his breath. he put the drink in his hand down and walked over to michael. "we're leaving," he said, grabbing his friend's arm and pulling him away from the pool table.

"what? why? i was in the middle of that game, you know."

"yeah, and you were losing. again. anyway, luke's here and that probably means ashton is and there is no way in hell i'm staying. i don't really feel like—"

"calum?"

 _fuck_. calum turned around but kept his grip on michael's arm because he knew michael would try and slip away as soon as he could. he was right about ashton being there. "hey luke. ashton." he really didn't want to have some conversation with them right now since he was still trying to get over luke even though he never admitted to actually being in love with luke when he was with luke. he glanced at michael hoping the other boy could come up with a getaway because he had nothing except a strong desire to leave. he was pretty sure michael didn't exactly want to stick around either because for one thing luke and michael didn't get along and being stuck in the middle of luke and calum was not high on his list of things he wanted to do. unfortunately michael was definitely too drunk to be helpful.

it reminded calum of the first time he met luke. a party — though one he wanted to be at — a drunk michael and a very attractive blond boy. calum honestly didn't remember much from that night because he had had enough to drink that night but he remembered luke. and that made him remember all the time they spent together which just made him hurt. they had been messy and stupid and reckless but whatever was going on between them was real until they had one night where they really let themselves feel and they just started to pull away but still cling onto each other and things weren't just messy and stupid and reckless but also forced and awkward and _pretend_.

pretend.

that seemed to be going on a lot in calum's life lately. pretending the pretending he and luke did worked. pretending he didn't love luke whenever michael said he did. and now he was pretending that seeing luke wasn't painful and seeing luke with ashton and moving on and being happy wasn't absolutely destroying him inside. it wasn't that he didn't want luke to be happy. he did. of course he did. he really just sort of wished he could have been ashton the entire time or at least admitted that he loved luke before it was too late. but it was too late and luke was with ashton and there was nothing calum could do about that.

"cal, you're doing it again," michael mumbled into his ear.

"oh." he really needed to work on the whole zoning-out-while-thinking-about-luke thing but he doubted he could stop himself even if he tried.

"doing what?" luke asked.

calum shook his head a little too quickly. "nothing. can i talk to you alone for a sec?"

"sure. ash," he said, turning his head. "i'll be right back, alright?" calum tried to ignore the peck he watched luke leave on ashton's cheek and followed him out of the room.

"what is it?" he asked once they were somewhere they could hear one another without raising their voices.

"did you mean it? when you said i wasn't nothing to you. did you mean that?"

luke nodded. "of course. why do you ask?"

calum almost laughed. "i could stand here for days trying to explain. it's just. i know you and ashton are together and you're happy and that's going to make me feel a lot shittier by saying this." deep breath. "i fucked up. when there was that one night where things with us were just _more_ i thought i was making a mistake because i'm sort of terrible when i'm in love but that's the thing, the entire time i knew i was in love with you but i refused to admit that because i was scared and i let things go to shit. i didn't want to hurt you and i was so afraid of that because i might be bad now but when i'm in love i'm worse. i don't know why i'm telling you this now because obviously you and ashton are good together. a lot better than we were. i guess this is supposed to be a goodbye because i can't stop thinking about you and i really need to but you said goodbye and i didn't so i think that's what i'm doing. and i'm sorry."

"wait," luke said as calum was about to leave. "i didn't leave just because we didn't work. i was afraid that you were in love with me and i'm not going to give you the big why speech because you don't really want to hear it but i left because i was afraid of destroying you because that's what i do to the people who love me. and i'm not saying i'm not scared of doing the same thing to ashton because i am. hell i gave him the big why speech. but i feel like he and i have a chance. i know i'm probably hurting you by telling you about him but i wouldn't tell you if i didn't think you deserved to find the person who makes you feel like you have a chance. we both know that person isn't me."

**five;**

calum was pretty sure the world hated him. it felt like there was closure between him and luke but there was still only one thing on his mind and it was still luke. he would go out and do things (more specifically, he would go out with a group of guys he called his friends and get high and stay out until 5 in the morning and come home and get lectured by michael and pass out on the couch) to try and forget but it didn't really help because it was eerily similar to what he and luke would do minus the whole luke part. really the only thing worse than not being able to forget about luke was wondering _why_ it was so hard to forget about luke. sure calum knew he loved luke but it wasn't like he'd never been in love and left before. whatever it was about luke that made him stick so hard calum sort of hated. he wanted to forget, he needed to.

instead he found himself standing outside luke's loft in the rain at 3 a.m and two weeks since they had last spoken not quite sure how he got there with several new bruises and a bloody nose, contemplating whether or not to knock even though it was 3 a.m and luke was probably asleep or with ashton or both. knocking was a really bad idea. not only because of the time or because of ashton but because it was not going to help the forgetting part. he told himself not to knock. he knew he would regret it but still he wanted to. and it was kind of shit because he knew he shouldn't even be here but all he could think about was luke and he really just wanted to knock.

 _don't do it_ he thought.

_what could go wrong?_

_don't make it worse for yourself._

_i'm gonna do it._

except he didn't do it even though he really wanted but rather he called michael and the boy yelled at him through the phone mostly for waking him up but grumbled an "alright, i'm on my way" and about thirty minutes later calum was staring out the window of michael's car.

"dude, what the fuck did you do?" michael asked.

calum shook his head. "i don't know. i remember being out and drinking and i probably did a line of something but i don't know how i got in a fight or who with or even how i ended up outside luke's door."

"you didn't, like, talk to him, did you?"

"i wanted to. but no, i didn't." there was a seemingly long and dreadful silence in the car. "it's just really hard, you know? like, i'm not supposed to even be thinking about him because it's been over a month since he stopped whatever we were and he had a boyfriend before i had even decided that yeah, you were right but by then it was too late and now i still can't get over him even though i should have been a month ago."

"i don't know what you want me to tell you. i haven't been where you are, cal. sure i've been in love or whatever but i think we both know i haven't been through as much shit as you and most of it wasn't a love thing."

calum sighed. "i know. consider yourself lucky, because this really sucks. there's so much i want to say to him but i haven't talked to him in two weeks and whenever we do talk it's weird and i don't even know how to tell him what i want to. it's like, i tried to tell him but it still wasn't what i wanted to tell him and i still feel shitty about it because i dropped that on him and i knew he was with ashton and i have no idea what i'm even doing anymore."

michael shrugged. "are you sure you want to tell him whatever it is you do? you told me once you were afraid of being in love with him because you would pull some shit like this and last time you did that you basically destroyed your entire relationship. i'm not saying you shouldn't tell him, i'm just saying if you figure out what you want to say you need to be sure you can deal with whatever happens afterwards."

"yeah, i know that. but i'm not scared about what will happen to me. i can deal with that. i feel like i'm going to ruin his life if i tell him even though that's ridiculous because ashton is like, nice and he makes luke happy and he's the things i can't be so what if i do fuck luke or them up by telling him? that's what i'm scared of. i have to, though. it kinda feels like i'll choke to death if i don't."


	4. and he was all your worst fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what to say but i just wanted to tell you i'm going to be in quebec from the 5th-10th so there probably won't be an update next week & i'm trying not to leave as long a gap between the chapters as last time omg. the title's also from a tumblr poem but i don't really feel like finding it but you can find it somewhere [here](http://dallisons.tumblr.com/tagged/words) aka my go-to place for inspiration.

**six;**

ashton was something of a miracle in luke's eyes and that was saying something because on luke's top ten list of things he didn't believe in miracle fell somewhere between heaven and the easter bunny. there were a lot of things he didn't know how to tell ashton but ashton kept insisting that luke didn't have to tell him and he sounded genuine when he said it and they had only been together for three weeks but still luke kept wondering _should i tell him what if i tell him and he doesn't want to date me anymore but if i don't tell him he could find out some other way and hate me forever_. he hadn't yet told ashton how exactly his life got so messed up but that wasn't going to be the hard part of all the things about his past. calum was. ashton knew calum was more than just some hookup but he didn't know the exact relationship between the two and luke didn't really know either. their last conversation had left luke really confused but also kind of relieved because if he was being completely honest with himself he had definitely still felt something for calum and part of him was hoping calum would say something and he kind of did and even if he didn't know how to say it it was the kind of thing luke needed to hear and mostly it was a lot easier to breathe now.

mostly.

luke thought about calum a lot more than he wanted to when he was with ashton and even more so when ashton wasn't around. he kept telling himself that the thing between him and calum was over except that was hard because he still remembered how calum's hand fit with his and the way he smelled and the taste of his lips and as much as ashton was everything luke wanted and more he still really missed calum.

and either it must have showed or ashton was just really good at reading people because when they were mindlessly staring at the tv all cuddled up on ashton's couch ashton asked "are you okay? you've been acting a bit off ever since the party."

"i don't know," luke responded with a shrug and a sigh. "i'm just really confused, i guess. confused because the thing i had with calum is still kind of, i don't know, painful? and i think about him a lot even though i really like you and i really like what we have and things are, like, nice for me for the first time in a while and i'm still really afraid i'm going to hurt you. he said he felt shitty about saying the things he did because we're together and i think he was afraid he would accidentally hurt me and i get that because he had a lot he needed to get off his chest and there's still a lot of shit i need to get off my chest and—"

ashton cut him off with a kiss. "you worry too much," he mumbled against his lips. luke pouted when ashton pulled his head back and ashton laughed. "i meant it when i told you you don't have to tell me unless you want to. seriously, luke, it's okay. you carry a lot of shit around with you. i get it. and about the whole calum thing, i don't know what went down between you two but i'm guessing it was more than either of you want to admit. i'm not going to be mad if you're still confused about him. why don't you just talk to him?"

"every time we try to talk it's weird. and i haven't spoken to him in two weeks."

"so text him, find a time and place and meet up and sort things out. you're confused, i'm sure he's just as confused as you are. i trust you, you know. i'm not worried you'll go running off with him and leave me behind all broken-hearted and regretting everything."

luke nuzzled his head into ashton's neck. "i'll never quite understand how someone like me ended up with someone like you."

*

so luke did. he picked up his phone and hit calum's name and texted him.

_[luke, 2:10 PM]: hey cal. you busy tomorrow?_

when he heard his phone buzz about an hour later he was actually a bit surprised because he wasn't expecting calum to reply.

_[calum, 3:16 PM]: don't think so. how come?_

_[luke, 3:17 PM]: need to talk._

_[calum, 3:20 PM]: sure. when & where?_

_[luke, 3:22 PM]: my place round 1?_

_[calum, 3:30 PM]: ok. see you then._

luke decided not to respond. it wasn't like he and calum had anything to text each other about and there wasn't much else to say. he wondered if calum would show and if he did what he was even going to say because luke knew there was a lot he wanted to say he just wasn't quite sure what exactly it was. he was thankful when ashton returned from band practice soon after because ashton could take luke's mind off things and luke really didn't want to think about it.

**seven;**

calum arrived about twenty minutes after one, but luke hadn't even expected him to show up at all so it was something, he guessed. it was awkward because neither of them really knew what they were doing and they sat on luke's couch in silence for ten minutes before either one of them spoke up. luke noticed the somewhat fresh wounds on calum's face but didn't ask about them.

"what did you want to talk about?" calum finally asked.

"whatever's going on between us," luke said.

"i thought we were done."

"i mean, like, we have weird conversations where we're trying to get what we're feeling out but we don't really know how to do it and then we'll avoid each other for days and it feels like when we were still, like, together, like, we're still trying to fix each other or something even though we're supposed to be moving on and it's really confusing because i'm with ashton but i still think about you a lot and i remember everything and what it was like and how it felt and i have no idea what's going on with us."

another long silence.

"i've been trying to figure out how to tell you how i've been feeling for weeks now but i just can't figure out what i want to say," calum said. "i tried that night of the party and tried to cut things off because you're all i can think about, luke. when it's two a.m and i can't sleep and i just want to go out and drown myself in alcohol and drugs to forget about you i think about you. or when i'm hanging out with michael or trying to study or find a job i can't focus because i can't stop thinking about you. and sometimes i wonder if you think about me as much as i do and i want to call but then i remember you're with ashton and you're getting your life back together and it hurts so i do go out and drink and do whatever i can find but i still think about you. i have literally become incapable of properly thinking about anything else and it sucks. it sucks that i'm in love with you and i didn't really realize it or come to terms with it or whatever until you had left and found someone who can give you what you want and someone who makes you happy and it's not that i don't want those things for you because i do it's just. i want to be that person but all i do is drink and get high and make messes and i don't know how to fix things with myself or with anyone and i fucking hate it, luke. i fucking hate all the things i do and how little control i have over myself and i tell myself it's just those things but really i hate myself because i did this to myself."

luke wasn't quite sure what to say. he knew he was lying when he told himself he didn't have feelings for calum. but mostly he was caught of guard because calum was saying in love with him as in, currently in love with him and luke didn't know what to make of it.

"i haven't moved on," luke admitted. "yes i'm with ashton and yes he makes me happy and yes i feel like things are getting better for me but if i didn't have him i would be a wreck right now and honestly i feel like that whenever he's not around. i think about you a lot more than i want to and it's not because i hate you or something, it's because i don't hate you and i kind of wish i did because things would be so much easier if i did but instead when i'm alone i replay all the things we were in my head and i'm holding on to what we were and i hate it because i miss it, i miss you and i miss us even though we were lying to ourselves but that's not really the thing i miss. i miss what we were before we screwed everything up by admitting and then un-admitting how we really felt. we were in no way perfect, we were stupid and ignorant and reckless but at least then we were real. and ashton is great and i'm so fucking thankful for him but there's just something about you i can't get out of my head and that i'm holding on to and i don't know why and i hide it and pretend it's not there because i can't do that to myself or to ashton. he constantly reminds me that it's okay and he's not afraid of being hurt by me and he trusts me but i'm still terrified i'm going to screw things up if i let myself really think about how i feel about _you_ now and so i pretend. i pretend just like we pretended that it wasn't there and things were find and it didn't exist even though it _does_ and i don't know what to do about it."

"so is that what we're going to keep doing, then? stay away from each other as much as possible and have awkward conversations where we try to explain how we're feeling but not really get the right words out? and i'll keep thinking about you and you'll keep being with ashton and pretending that all your feelings are in the past?"

luke shook his head. "i don't know. i wish i did but i don't and i don't know what to do anymore."

"because i don't want to do that, luke. i don't want to keep being in pain over all the things we could have — should have — been and be hopelessly in love with you while you shove everything to the side and be with ashton and eventually forget about me and be stuck there unable to forget about you. i don't want to do that. i can't do that and i won't."

"what are you trying to say?"

"i'm saying you either be with me or forget about me completely because i'm in love with you and i can't keep running into you and seeing you with ashton and having awkward conversations about the past."

"but that's the thing. i'm trying to forget about you. i'm trying so hard because it fucking hurts and i don't want to deal with it and i can't shake the feeling that i'm going to hurt ashton because of it and it's horrible. i want to be with ashton and i don't want to hurt him but it's impossible for me to forget about you when i was in love with you and i pulled away after that night because i didn't want you to fall in love with me because i would hurt you but obviously i still managed to hurt you without even properly being with you and i can't do that to ashton. i don't know exactly what i'm trying to tell you, except for that i can't do either of those things. i can't be with you or forget about you so i guess we're just going to have to pretend again."

there was a third silence, long and painful and luke was trying to keep it together and wondering what calum was thinking. he was so tired of hurting people and he had to make sure calum was the last even though he wasn't over him because he couldn't do that to ashton. it was bad enough knowing he did it to calum, calum, who had a drug problem and a criminal record and a lot of damage, but luke would absolutely, completely hate himself if he did it to ashton. ashton was happy and saw the good in everything and everyone, even luke, and hurting that kind of rare happiness people like ashton had would destroy luke.

"luke?"

"yeah?"

"i can't keep pretending."


	5. for i am a liar; i will suffocate you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah i don't really know but there will most likely only be two or three chapters left after this bc i feel like it's coming to it's end and that's rly it.

**seven;**

his own words rang through calum's ears as he said them. it was all the things he wanted to say and still he didn't feel any better and _i can't keep pretending_ hung in the air and calum knew he was shaking and he knew he never really had luke but he was more terrified of losing him now than he ever was before. as messy as they were calum missed being real with luke and he missed just being with luke but mostly he missed himself because without luke calum had no idea how to keep going and maybe it wasn't supposed to be like that but it was and calum didn't know how to deal with that and he needed luke. that was just it. he needed luke like he needed water. it was shitty and it was stupid and it was hopeless because why would luke want to be with calum when he had ashton. ashton made luke better, like actually better, in the way that calum and luke would pretend they did and out of ashton and luke and calum only two of them were worth something and calum wasn't one of them so calum wasn't really even sure why he was trying because there's no way luke would ever pick someone like him over someone like ashton.

but he guessed that was love.

love.

calum loved luke with everything he was and even though that wasn't much it was the kind of love that made mothers lift cars of babies and lovers tear down mountains to see each other, he decided.

which was why calum was scared to admit it in the first place. he was messy, he made a mess of things when he was just existing but when he loved he destroyed. and maybe that was the same for luke only luke needed to be loved to do it unlike calum who just _did_.

and it was stupid of calum to even hope that luke still loved him but he did. he did and he hated himself for it because luke was right — he had hurt calum but calum didn't really hate luke for it and he mostly just blamed himself for it and for falling for luke in the first place even if he didn't realize it until after luke was gone.

"we hurt each other. we say we don't but at the end of the day we know we're lying to ourselves and that's the only way i can even do this, lying. maybe you're able to forget about me and i'm glad and i'm jealous because god i wish i could forget about you. it hurts too much. so i lie to myself and i say it's fine, we're fine, we're in the past so who cares, right? except it's not like that but i keep pretending because i _have_ to pretend. i'm a fucking wreck and i don't know how to deal with the truth especially when it comes to you and maybe that's why i'm holding on so hard to ashton and why i'm so scared i'll hurt him. i'm sure you don't want to hear this. if i was you i wouldn't either. but you have to hear it because things stopped being real between us a long time ago and i don't have to pretend around ashton and i need that, calum. it's the only thing that's keeping me going if i'm being honest and—"

calum let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and stopped luke from going on.

"that's the thing, though, luke. ashton is real and you can be real with him and you two are real and you work and you need that and the memory of me may still hurt and i get that but i don't like it because i need you. you're not just a memory for me. the memory of you is like a ghost and it haunts me and i don't know how to function without you anymore. i hate being that person who needs someone else to even live but that's how i feel. we didn't work but we were something and without you my existence is nothing but a presence in the room that people can't get to go away. sure there's michael and he's nice but i don't think he really cares and maybe i'm wrong but i can't shake that feeling either and it's shit."

"we're doing it again." luke sighed. he looked like he was on the verge of tears and calum felt like he was on the verge of tears. "this is what we do. we're tearing each other apart and maybe we don't mean to do it but we do and we tell ourselves _no, it's fine, we're fine_ but we're _not_ and we know we're not but we keep doing it and that's why i can't be with you, calum. i can't keep doing this like you can't keep pretending and i have no idea what to even do anymore because i can't forget and it hurts me and you can't pretend and you hurt and we're not even really people. you can't function when i'm not around and i barely function without ashton by my side and that's not being a person. i'm made up of scars and you're like the shell of a human because the soul inside it just doesn't know how to _be_ anymore and together we're like a black hole only instead of sucking up everything around us we just inhale each other and cough us out and do it again and again. and i have no idea how we're supposed to stop."

calum opened his mouth to speak but hesitated. the words he wanted to say were caught in his throat and cutting off his oxygen and he felt like he was choking and he kind of wished he was because right now he wanted to be with luke but mostly he wanted to die.

"do you still love me?"

calum didn't even really remember agreeing to say the words so much as they just forced their way out of his vocal cords and into the air around them. he didn't want to hear the answer. he knew it was no. he wanted to keep pretending that luke and him still had a chance.

there it was again, pretending.

is that all calum and luke knew how to do?

"i think part of me will always love you, calum. for a while what we had, damaging as it was, was real and i don't think i can ever let go of that. but i just can't be with you. i'm not even sure i want to. ashton and i have a chance and ashton makes me feel like i have a chance and i don't want to let that go. that part of me that loves you is screaming inside my head and running through my veins and making my bones ache and it wants me to be with you so i guess i do but i can't. i just can't." the blonde bit his lip and clenched his jaw and looked like he wanted to break something. "this is why i pulled away, god fucking damn it. this is why i didn't want you to fall in love with me because i'm hurting you. it's like that's the only thing i'm good at, hurting people who love me. people i love. there are so many things i can't do and this is one of them but somehow i keep doing it. maybe i'm just better off dead but i don't really want that either. god, i don't even know what i am anymore."

calum stood there a moment. he was a bit shocked and he wanted to grab luke by the shoulders and look into his eyes and tell him that no, he didn't just hurt people and he wasn't better off dead and he was beautiful even as wounded as he is and he would be okay and calum believed most of that but luke wouldn't. he wouldn't believe a word of it and calum hated that, too. 

so instead, "but luke, you're worth it. you're worth the pain and pretending and you're so much more than you think you are. you deserve the world but the world doesn't deserve you because it's been cruel and it's done so much more than knock you over and you are worth so much more. i'm the one who's not worth it, here. i mean, i—"

"don't you say that," luke said. "maybe you're an addict and maybe you've been arrested one too many times and maybe you need me to breathe but that doesn't mean you're not worth it. as much as i push my feelings for you away and as much as you and i can't be together there's not a thing i wouldn't do for you. and i know that's confusing and it probably hurts and it doesn't make sense but maybe we don't think we're worth it but we're worth it to each other and i think that makes us worth it."

calum wasn't quite sure what to say. he simultaneously didn't understand what luke meant and he did. "i know my love's not much but i guess it's something and you have ashton and he is so much more than i am. so i guess we but just kind of need to let go and figure things out for ourselves. it hurts and that sucks but it's better than this, isn't it?"

luke nodded. "yeah. i think that might be better for us. take a step back and sort out what we're doing before we try and fix us."

"does that mean there's still a chance for us?"

"i don't know."

calum swallowed the lump in his throat. "just remember that i really do love you and i want you to be happy and as much as i want it to be with me i guess it's okay if it's with ashton."

luke cracked a smile. "you'll find someone."

that sentence kind of crushed calum because he wanted that someone to be luke and it confirmed that his someone wasn't going to be luke but it was hopeful. maybe that's what luke was. hopeful. calum wished he could be like that. luke had hope. luke held on to things because he hoped they would work. calum didn't know how to do that. he never really did anything believing there was a possibility it could work and it made things ten times worse because all he could think was _this is going to end terribly_ and when it did it just made that flicker of hope even being a thing die out. but luke. luke was scared of hurting people and still he let himself love the people who loved him and there was something hopeful about that. something calum would never have.

but maybe luke was right. after all it was getting better for him and until ashton luke never even believed that that was possible and maybe calum could be like that too even if he didn't believe it. having a little hope would have been a nice change.

but hope was also dangerous. too much hope and it could completely claw your insides apart and that was why calum didn't let himself hope anymore because that was exactly what had happened to him. he had sacrificed so much and lost so much in and in the end he still lost the one person who still believed he was good so now he just let himself be a mess because it was easier than really dealing with his feelings.

maybe that was what luke was. why calum needed him so much. luke was the hope calum wanted to have again.


	6. i will tear myself down and bring the world down with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck i'm sorry i haven't updated this in forever,, i hit writers block & then i rewrote this chapter at least 6 times & idk if i'm happy with it but whatever. i was listening to amnesia when i wrote this, can u tell

**eight;**

it wasn't like calum didn't try. he did. thing was, it was hard to get his shit together when his entire life revolved around a person who had stopped speaking to him. at least, he blamed luke because it was easier than facing all the shit he'd been pushing out for years now.

and he wanted to fix things.

except, wanting it didn't make it happen. if it was, luke would—

calum slapped himself mentally. luke hadn't spoken to calum since they'd talked two weeks ago and calum kind of got the idea that luke didn't really want him around. and it fucking sucked.

calum wanted to hate luke. he wished he wanted to rip luke's lungs out or something but he mostly just missed the late nights and the cuddles and kisses and the way luke smelled and his hands felt and his lips tasted. he missed skipping class and sneaking out at three in the morning to get wasted and the feeling of not giving a shit when he got caught and yelled at for it, because all that really mattered to them was _them_. even when it wasn't what it should've been.

he missed it, every single god damn thing, and, yeah, it fucking sucked.

it sucked because luke didn't care anymore, luke was the one who decided he didn't care about calum anymore, the one who acted like everything between them was nothing, pretended calum didn't exist anymore; and all calum did was care, all calum did was remember and ask himself if they were real (which was stupid because he knew that they weren't) or if calum just made up everything in his head, if luke just saw him as some boy he could fuck until he got bored and left. but calum couldn't accept that, he wouldn't accept that because what he felt was real and there's no way luke didn't feel it either.

that's what kept him up at night, the feeling of _i need to call him and tell him how i feel and how i know he feels the same because there's no way he doesn't care anymore_ and almost but never actually doing it. maybe it's because he knew he must be right and he could live with that, and maybe it's because he was afraid of being, that luke really didn't care and that's what he can't live with. calum would rather believe with his heart and soul that he was right than find out that he was wrong.

there are nights, though, when calum thought he has to be wrong, that there's no way he could've been right because if he was then why would luke leave? the late nights and cuddles and kisses and sneaking out couldn't have meant anything to luke if he could go about his existence as if calum's was never part of his life. if they were real, there's no way luke could keep going on like that even if he had ashton. there are nights where calum could drown in his desperation to hold onto the thought that it was real between them. that it wasn't a lie, that luke cared and felt everything calum did, that luke would lay awake at night wondering if calum still cared about him and all but loses his mind hoping he did. unless it really was nothing there's no way luke could be fine.

calum knew he was blowing things way out of proportion because he knew luke did care and luke broke things off for all the right reasons and luke had the right to go about his life and be happy and not have calum be part of that. it just made things easier to pretend it was some big horrible thing.

he wished he could blame luke for everything. that's what would've made it easier. but luke didn't give his sister terminal cancer and luke didn't make him an addict and luke didn't get him arrested so he couldn't really do that. calum made himself believe luke didn't care because he wanted to hate luke but he couldn't and it tore him down.

/

"ash?" luke tried. "you awake?"

it was 3:28 in the morning so luke was pretty sure ashton was asleep like any regular person would be at this ungodly hour of the night but luke had gotten about two hours of sleep because his brain wouldn't shut up. actually, he'd been sleeping pretty shit lately. he was pretty sure it had everything to do with calum but he decided not to think about that because thinking about it made him think about all the things he had with calum (or at least, what he, in the back of his mind, wanted to have) and that made having a relationship with someone who wasn't calum very, very hard.

and it wasn't that luke didn't love ashton. he did. of course he did. or he loved ashton as much as a seventeen year old could love someone after about a month and a half or however long/short it had been but really as much as the conversation with calum had helped it had also made it ten times harder for luke to force himself not to think about him. to be honest, he wasn't sure if it was thinking about calum that was keeping him up or if it was simply him telling himself not to think about calum because thinking about calum was the last thing he needed if he was being honest so he definitely shouldn't be thinking about it, right?

he was pretty sure it was the latter.

"barely," a very tired sounding ashton mumbled. "i was about to go back to sleep but if you want to talk i don't mind."

 _i don't mind_ made luke feel a whole lot worse because what the hell how was ashton so kind and willing to listen to him ramble about his thoughts at half past four in the morning and all he was doing was thinking (or not thinking) about calum which he really shouldn't have been doing but he couldn't help himself and—

"is it about calum?"

luke hadn't realized he hadn't responded though he was clearly awake and probably had heard ashton talk.

he swallowed. that is was exactly what it was about but he a) didn't know what to say and b) felt really really really bad about it considering calum was most definitely not his boyfriend and that was the one person he was thinking about. "yeah. yeah, it is, i think. i don't really know anymore. about anything. i just. i don't know."

"it's kind of obvious," ashton said. "that you love him."

"that's not—"

"i'm not mad about it, luke. or, like, extremely heartbroken. don't take that in the wrong way. i'm not saying it doesn't hurt. it does. but you don't have to worry about me. i believe you love me. i just believe you love him more and that's not a bad thing if you do. don't be afraid of it. just be with who you really want to be with. if it's not me then yeah that sucks because i can't say i don't love you but mostly i want you to be happy. you deserve to be happy."

luke chewed on his lip ring so much so that he thought he might make himself bleed while he thought. he wasn't sure what exactly he was feeling or even what he should be feeling and he was thinking about how easy things were with ashton and how confusing things were with calum and neither one of those things was necessarily better than the other, he thought, but who he really wanted to be with? maybe the choice was supposed to be simple but it wasn't.

"i'm happy with you," luke decided. "or happier at least. it's not like calum makes me unhappy or something it's just. i don't really know what our relationship is when we're together. it's destructive, i guess. maybe that's just because that's what we are but i don't really know that either. but i keep hoping things will work out between him and i? like, maybe we're reckless and stupid and destructive and probably not the best for each other but maybe it'll work out? and i mean it when i say i love you and things are easy with you and it's easier to breathe and what we've got is nice but it's just. the answer should be easy, shouldn't it? i should be with the one that feels right which is you, right? except i don't know if i want that. does that make sense?"

ashton was silent for a moment which was strange because ashton was a lot of things and silent typically wasn't one of them. "maybe you just need to not _be_ with anyone for a while. take a break and think about what you want and not feel guilty because you're with someone. think about what you want."

luke added 'not be with anyone' to the list of things he didn't know if he wanted. that was actually probably what was best for him so, again, what he should have wanted, which was exactly why he wasn't sure.

"maybe you're right."


End file.
